WTF Adult Industry: No Olympic Themed Porn?

WTF Adult Industry: No Olympic Themed Porn?

– by Coleen Singer, Sssh.com

You know, I really expected better from the adult entertainment industry – or maybe I expected worse, but I certainly expected something Olympics-themed to be put out by one or more porn studios this winter, even if just a cheesy photoshoot filled with porn stars wearing a quantity of Team USA gear insufficient to leave much to our imaginations.

Instead, what we get is a lame retread of the Amanda Knox job-offer publicity stunt, one that strikes me as far less generous than those previously offered to the alleged murderer, to boot. It’s a recycled publicity concept so weak, so tired, and so unoriginal, even the media outlets that seem to salivate over such crap couldn’t even manage to pretend to care about it for more than a one-day news cycle.

olympics porn

Doesn’t this just BEG for a porn homage to the Olympics?

Meanwhile, the Olympics beckon in vain, ignored by the always publicity-hungry adult industry, despite the event’s obvious timeliness, all those snow-melting hot skiers, the powerful thighs and bountiful butts of the speed skaters, and the porn-friendly, party hard reputation of those pothead snow boarders and heavy-drinking curlers (seriously, have a few brews with a hardcore curler someday and see how long you can hang before receding beneath the table in an alcohol-induced fetal position).

Just think of the all the provocative, controversial and pot-stirring potential that an Olympic porn parody has to offer and you will quickly see that the opportunities to rile, offend and draw eyeballs far outstrip the ire and attention raised by rekindling the idea of Amanda Knox Your Rocks Off.

Given the industry’s predilection for fetishizing on the basis of race, and tendency to package such niche content in racially-charged titles like Oh My God My Daughter’s Fucking a Ni**er and Spicy Salsa Sluts, how can it not leap at the opportunity to make a provocatively (and alliteratively) titled fuck-flick at the expense of the Chinese ski team?

Where are the gay porn job offers directed at Shaun White as a potential replacement for his possibly-on-the-tail-end snowboarding career? How about something, anything, inviting people to fantasy about undeniably delectable winter Olympians such as Silje Norendal, Teemu Selanne (side note: who knew that hockey players can be fine looking, nimble on the ice and keep all their teeth?), Alena Zavarzina, or Shani Davis?

One excuse I will not accept from the porn industry on its failure to produce any Olympic-themed titles in time to capitalize on this year’s games is that the industry abstained as a matter of taste, decency or respect. This is a failure of marketing vision and publicity-whoredom, plain and simple.

How do I know that for a fact?

First off, there’s really no place for “taste, decency or respect” in the porn industry to begin with; those things would be akin to a form of non-governmental prior restraint on the sort of sexual fantasies and in-the-sack behavior the industry tends to promote. To wit, during a blowjob scene, which of the following do you think you’re more likely to hear emitted from the mouth of the man on the receiving end whilst he’s being sucked: (A) “As good as this feels, my love, no amount of pleasure you impart via your expertly delivered fellatio can distract me from the sincere, lasting and unshakeable respect I have for your intellect, integrity and creativity;” Or (B) “Fuck YEAH, you suck cock so good you filthy little whore!”

(If you answered (A), please double check the printed schedule to make sure you’re in the right classroom today….)

I also don’t think the answer is that porn companies were concerned about being sued by the IOC for such satirical skullduggery. If the tried and true naming convention of “{Insert Your Trademarked Term Here} A XXX Parody” works to keep the likes of Marvel Comics and A&E off the industry’s back, then “Not the Winter Olympics A XXX Parody” shouldn’t have raised an eyebrow among the legal eagles at Vivid or Hustler either, right?

For shame, porn industry, for shame. It’s just not like you to miss out on the chance to crassly ride the coattails of something as revered and high profile as the Olympics. I expect you to do much better come 2016 – but for the love of God, don’t let that summer’s games distract you from the parallel need to find suitable porn doppelgangers to play Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie!

 

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About Coleen Singer

Coleen Singer
Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.
  • tedmills

    Not only that, but Putin’s “There aren’t any gays in Sochi!!” is just asking for a porn script. It writes itself. If studios can make a Palin/Obama parody, where’s porn Putin?

    I’m sure there’s very hard-working people in porn (mostly performers), but it seems like so many of the producers and directors are LCD and lazy.

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