“Sterling Wars”: Racism and Double-Penetration in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

“Sterling Wars”: Racism and Double-Penetration in a Galaxy Far, Far Away

by Coleen Singer, Sssh.com

It was inevitable, I suppose, that an adult entertainment studio would come out with a porn parody capitalizing on the ongoing saga of L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling; the only real surprise is that it has taken this long for it to come out.

Billy Watson’s Sterling porn parody

Billy Watson’s Sterling porn parody

I haven’t seen Billy Watson’s Sterling porn parody, but even without watching it, I know that it comes up short in at least one way: There’s just no way that James Bartholet can really capture and recreate the true Donald Sterling vibe. There is an essential sense of entitlement in Sterling that can’t be faked, because it’s the sort of thing that can only develop naturally, over the course of decades of a person thinking pretty damn highly of himself, and getting very used to the idea that he should never have to take no for an answer.

It’s also impossible for any male porn star to accurately ape Sterling’s sheer physical hideousness. Such a feat would require a level of CGI brilliance one associates with Industrial Light and Magic, not to mention the budget that such special effects necessitate. Porn legend Ron Jeremy comes fairly close to matching Sterling’s girth, but Ron has way too much charm and legitimate human warmth to pull off the vision of repulsiveness that is Sterling’s unique blend of rotting corpulence and reviling self-pity.

Speaking of ILM effects, it occurs to me that Jabba the Hutt would be the ideal choice to play Sterling. Like Donald, Jabba was rich and controlling and not one to take kindly to having his authority questioned. As for social backwardness, Jabba sure didn’t seem to appreciate Lando Calriissian hanging around on his hovercraft – although, granted, that might have had more to do with his apparent determination to murder each of Jabba’s henchmen than Lando’s ethnicity.

Star Wars Porn ParodyThe more I think about it, the more this hybrid parody concept (call it Sterling Wars, perhaps) sure seems far more entertaining and on-point than the porn parody that has already been shot. Instead of merely shoehorning Sterling into some lame, prefabricated “cuckold” scenario, Sterling Wars would break new ground in porn parody, uniting a beloved work of American sci-fi with the quintessentially American story of a truly revolting old fart doing his best to bed down an equally revolting gold-digger.

In many ways, the Star Wars universe it’s a natural environment for a Donald Sterling porn parody to take place in. V Stiviano owns some of the very same headgear as Boba Fett, for example, and just as is the case with Jabba the Hutt, finding Donald Sterling’s penis probably involves some pretty extensive digging through layers of smelly, dirt-encrusted rolls of doughy flesh.

If there’s one thing that porn isn’t shy about, it’s drawing on ethnic stereotypes (don’t take my word for it; check out movies like the Asian bondage title Slope on a Rope), and a Star Wars themed parody would offer plenty of opportunities to do the same. I can easily picture the establishment of soon-to-be-cherished characters like as Jewbacca, Princess Latina, Luke Moonwalker and Darth Persian, proudly taking their places beside (and/or between the legs of) the likes of Handjob Solo, Analkin Skygaper and Ol’ Ben Wa Kenobi.

Sadly, we can probably only fantasize about such an epic parody hybrid ever being made – unless some intrepid soul takes to KickStarter and starts drumming up the funds to make Sterling Wars a reality. Not that I’m suggesting that you, personally, would do so, but…. you, personally, totally should do so.

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About Coleen Singer

Coleen Singer
Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.
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