by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com
I haven’t been the kind of girl who hangs around in bars since my college days, but reading about the case of the Naked Dildo-Packer in the UK makes me wish I had been in one particular bar, back on November 16 of last year. That’s when a man by the name of David Sherratt strolled into the White Hart bar Tunstall in a “state of nakedness,” carrying a bag of dildos, and told the folks assembled therein: “If anybody has a problem with me they can take it outside.”
What inspired Sherratt’s rude, nude, fight-me-dude outburst, and his dildo-packing saunter to the Wild Side? Why, it was none other than that infamous instigator of insanity colloquially known as “meth.” That’s right: when it isn’t spurring you to clean your house for 36 straight hours, or pluck the flesh off your own knuckles like some fevered “28 Days Later” zippy-zombie, amphetamines evidently lead a lot of people to suddenly explore life as a tweaked out public nudist.
Unsurprisingly, nobody took Sherratt up on his challenge – probably because they were heeding that famous old line of Shakespeare’s: “Strive not ‘gainst yon gentleman laden with a satchel full of falsecocks, lest he batter you senseless as a Bean Goose with his trusty penile cudgel.”
Sherratt’s troubles might have ended with the unanswered call to fisticuffs, had he not staggered back out of the bar and towards a group of children outside, a teetering trajectory that finally inspired the hitherto apathetic barkeep to ring the local Bobbies to come roust the randy meth-head.
Following the incident, even Sherratt had to allow for the possibility that he “may have taken too much” amphetamine – which is akin to Lee Harvey Oswald saying that he may have fired a few bullets too close to Kennedy’s skull, but still might count as contrition in a British court.
So why do I wish I had been among the revelers at the White Hart that day? Well, so I could respond to Mr. Sherratt properly, of course: “I have a problem, sir, and I think it’s one you can help with: I’m fresh out of dildos – and it has been weeks since I had a proper bump of meth!”
Granted, it’s not clear that anybody knew Sherratt’s bag was loaded with molded plastic dildos when he strutted in au naturale, and it’s hard to say how rationally he would have responded to my plea for masturbatory and mood-altering help, but perhaps taking the time to ponder such an overture would have given him enough pause to prevent him from wandering outside to share his uncovered manhood with the juvenile contingent.
According to his attorney, Sherratt’s explanation for his meth use was that he “originally used it to help him get through the working day and then to try to deal with emotional turmoil he was suffering with regard to his partner and children.”
Personally, I think that’s a better explanation for possessing all those dildos than it is for the meth use, but apparently his sob story did engender the sympathy of the court, because just like someone using one of the sex toys he was toting around on that fateful day, Sherratt is getting off easy, receiving only a 12-month community order and a fine of £85 to cover court costs – not too bad for a tweaker in the buff who was looking to get rough.
Coleen Singer is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Coleen qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite. You can also follow Coleen and Sssh.com on Twitter @SsshForWomen